That one moment in time...

Has there ever been one particular moment in time that literally changed your life?  I've been thinking about this recently.  One moment, one decision, one thing, one action, one person, can change your life.

My Moment happened in 7th grade.  I was really awkward with a face full of acne, clothes that weren't trendy, and I was taller than EVERYONE.  I stood out when all I wanted to do was fit in.  I remember trying to make friends.  The people I was trying to befriend were more of "frenemies" if you will.  They would talk about me behind my back.  They would embarrass me on purpose.  They would make fun of me.  And all I wanted was for them to like me for who I was.

 I ate lunch alone.  I sat at my table by myself for the longest 25 minutes of the day.  I was overwhelmed by all the noise and everyone who had their big groups of friends where I had no one.  I just wanted to fit in, but I didn't.  It was this way for about six months.

I was in band and I was good at it.  I had kind of talked to some of the other girls in the flute section, and one in particular seemed pretty fun.  I had been watching her and her friends eating at lunch from afar.  They looked like they had so much fun together.  I recognized the others as people who were also in band.  For whatever reason, my seventh grade self decided it was time to step waaaaay outside of her comfort zone.  When I finished my lunch, I dumped my tray and it took all the courage I possessed to go sit with these girls I had been watching from afar.  I silently sat down next to them, on the edge of the group afraid to even introduce myself.  I observed them and laughed along with them.  It felt SO GOOD.  The next day, I sat down with them again and I was brave enough to tell them my name.  Each day got easier, and I finally felt like I fit in.  I didn't necessarily want to be popular, I just wanted a group, as every 12-13 year old does.

That moment literally changed my life.  Some of the girls are still my best friends to this day.  Through them I found myself.  They encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone and I started coming out of my shell.  I realized that there was more to life than eating lunch in the corner.  I opened up -- a lot -- and I wasn't as shy and I wasn't as afraid to speak my mind anymore.

As a teacher, I see the people who are just like I was when I was in 7th grade.  Shy, quiet, and oftentimes they are sitting outside the group looking in just wanting someone to accept them for who they are.  I reach out to these students in particular because I can relate to how they're feeling.  Ultimately I think that has made me a better teacher.  I can spot kids who really just need someone to talk to and to know they're not alone.  I try to include them whenever possible so that they don't feel left behind.

The girls I befriended at age 13 will be bridesmaids in my wedding whenever that may be.  They are the people I still go to when I need to vent or when I need advice.  They've seen me through a lot of stuff, yet they still love me.  Had I not gone to sit with them that one day, I don't know if I ever would have gotten to know them and I think my life would have taken a different path.  I wish I could go back and thank my 7th grade self for being so uncharacteristically bold.

What was your Moment?

Why I do what I do.

My job has never been "just a job" to me. It's a passion. Though there are some days when I feel like I REALLY earned my paycheck, the good outweighs the bad by far. Teaching band is one of the greatest things ever.

I had a concert last night for my biggest school. The kids there all started on their instruments in late October so they are all beginners. They are all little sponges for everything music. They take everything that I teach them and they run with it. They are proud to be part of the band. They think it's the coolest thing ever. Lots of parents came up to me after the concert and told me how they always hear about how cool I am and how cool band is. One parent told me "My daughter thinks you walk on water. She loves you so much." That in and of itself is so humbling, and it makes me so proud to be part of their lives.

I remember my very first year in band. I was good at it and I absolutely loved my band director. To this day I remember my lessons with Mr. Jenni. He has taught beginning band in the district I grew up in for 40+ years. When I was in high school I wondered why he loved it so much because in beginning band you master Hot Cross Buns and Jingle Bells and the music is not very complex. But now that I'm teaching, I realize why he loves it so much. Beginning band kids are so fun to teach. They have energy and excitement and motivation. Not to mention seeing them go from their very first notes to performing a full concert is pretty incredible.

There were many great moments at the concert last night, I think I will always remember how it felt when the principal publicly thanked me for all my hard work and my band started hollering and cheering loudly for me. When I decided to go to college to become a band director, it was because of the sense of community I felt in my bands in school. I loved the fact that I had made so many great friends in band and that it gave me a sense of belonging. It was really cool being part of something so much bigger than myself. I was REALLY proud to be a part of band. And now, I'm able to create for these kids that same feeling and that exact same environment. That in and of itself is powerful.

In February, a woman who was my church music director in elementary school passed away at age 52. Donna Mae was a huge inspiration to me and she was a big reason for why I fell in love with music in the first place. She was inspirational in many ways and I always looked up to her. She was kind, compassionate, joyful, and she absolutely loved everyone. I've never met a kinder woman. I think about her on occasion when I'm teaching because I find myself doing things that she used to do. In this particular school, I feel like I am the "Donna Mae" that these kids needed in their lives.

I have 100% retention in this particular band for next year. Every single student has already signed up for band next year. I was amazed at how many parents told me that their kids love having me as their teacher. When I told the kids that I was going to be back next year they started cheering. I love that band is the cool thing to do in that school and we're going to go on to even bigger and better things in years to come.

It's a powerful thing to be someone's very first band director. They will always remember their first year in band. I hope that they will look back on it and have fond memories of it. After all, these kids are the reason why I do what I do.

I Have Crohn's Disease

Crohn's Disease has changed my life in lots of ways.  Crohn's is a form of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or IBS.  It isn't something I talk about at all really.  Only a handful of people who I know in real life know that I suffer from it.  It most definitely is an embarrassing illness to have to deal with, and it doesn't exactly come up in day to day conversation.  You can probably guess what some of the symptoms are.  If you can't, look them up.  I will spare you details in this post.  I have issues digesting certain things due to lesions on my bowel.  Thus, there are times when I have stomach issues and just can't digest things properly.

I was diagnosed with Crohn's at age 17 in January 2006.  I had been suffering for quite some time up until that point.  I originally started having issues May of 2005.  I didn't tell my parents and tried to suffer in silence because I thought maybe it was a kind of flu or something and it would go away.  Well, when I started visiting the bathroom much more frequently and in the middle of meals and when I was in there for an extended period of time, they noticed.  I was losing weight, and not in a healthy way.  I couldn't keep any food down and that which I did eat went right through me.

I went to my regular doctor who had me do a bunch of tests: blood work, samples, allergy checks, everything he could think of that was causing my gut to react poorly.  Everything came back negative.  He then referred me to a Gastrointestinal (GI) specialist in the office.  I visited him a few times.  I had more blood work done and more tests, including an upper GI test where I had to drink two 16 ounce cups of barium.  Yeah.  Not fun.  He exhausted all his nonintrusive options and he said the next step was a colonoscopy.  My 17-year-old self said no freaking way.  I was NOT about to have a camera shoved up my butt.  My parents tried to convince me, but I had made up my mind.

Logically, my brain knew I had to do the colonoscopy, but my body didn't want to go through that.  I was a senior in high school...I didn't want to go through what I thought was an old person's procedure.  But I didn't get better.  I kept on having to ask my teachers to go to the bathroom every hour, and I kept on having to stay in there for 10-15 minutes.  I FINALLY reached my breaking point.  One day in January I told my mom that I was ready and she could schedule a colonoscopy.

I had to fast the day before so I spent my lunch working on homework in the library.  I ate my chicken broth and lime Jello and pretended it was real food.  The night before I had to take a gross laxative to clear out my system.  Ickkkkk.  The next day, I had my procedure.  They put me under and I don't remember a thing about it.  I remember being embarrassed about showing my bare naked butt to the doctor, but at that point I just wanted to eat real food again so I got over it real fast.  I woke up and it was done and I had answers.  He showed me the lesions on my intestine and explained that they were clear signs of Crohn's.  Instead of being scared I was relieved.  I finally had answers.  I could finally get better.  I was 40 pounds lighter because of being sick -- I had needed to lose weight, but it I had lost it for the wrong reasons.  (Side note, I've since gained all that weight back, ugh.)  I was tired of not being able to eat without worrying about it affecting my digestive system.

I had the day off from school so I spent the day recovering and working on my make up homework.  I was put on the drug Pentasa which helped me to digest things again.  After a few days on my meds, I felt closer to normal than I had in months.  I had answers.  I only had a mild case.  I felt like I could finally live again.

Crohn's still affects me daily and it definitely doesn't simplify my life.  There are still times when I have to excuse myself to make a quick pit stop.  There are days when I feel like crap (pun very much intended) but I can't take the day off from work.  I work through it most of the time.  I automatically look for the bathrooms whenever I'm in a new place.  I still avoid some foods, but I'm able to eat others.  There are days when I feel gross and days where I feel pretty dang normal.  I stopped taking Pentasa for a few years because it was almost making me worse, but I had to go back on it recently due to increased flare-ups.  Again, I'm finding it helps.  I feel as close to normal as I think I can feel.

My closest friends, family, and my boyfriend know about it and that's about it.  I don't particularly like talking about it for obvious reasons, but sometimes I wish I was more comfortable.  I think this post is a start.  I have Crohn's Disease and I'm not ashamed.

Finances

I wish they required a budgeting and finance class in high school.  I've never been that good with money until a couple years ago when I took an interest in it and started watching Suze Orman's podcast.  I became a devoted fan.  I bought two of her books.  I educated myself.  Now, finances are one of my new favorite topics.  As one who always has been a spender in a way, I'm discovering how great it feels to build up an emergency fund and retirement.  I'm realizing how great it is to have a back up plan if something goes wrong.  And I'm realizing how EASY it is to save!

Here were my steps:

- Write down EVERYTHING money related.  Checking accounts, savings accounts, debt owed, student loans, etc. etc.
- Write long term and short term goals.
- Set goals into action.

It's pretty simple once you think about it.  And I love goals so it's almost like a challenge to myself.

My first small goal was to build up $1,000 in an emergency fund.  I called my bank and set up a new savings account.  I put $50 into it, and set up an automatic withdrawal from my checking twice per month for $50.  I just let it be, and I didn't even notice that money was gone.  I also labeled that savings account "Can't Touch This" so I remember that this is for emergencies only.  If ever I had "extra" money, I put the majority of it into that savings fund.  Tax refund, selling my car for more than expected, bonuses from work.

Well, I made that goal in less than 2 months.  It felt great.

I crossed that off my short term goals list, and increased my goal to $2500 in an emergency fund.  That's still in the process, but I love seeing the number go up and up and up.

I realized I was making a TON of excuses for myself as to why I didn't start saving earlier.  I didn't think I could, I was living paycheck to paycheck, and it seemed overwhelming.  But in reality anyone can start to save.  Even if its $5, $10, or $20.  That's something.  Something is better than nothing.  At this point if anything happens to my car or if I'm unemployed for whatever reason or if I get sick or if my cat gets sick, I have a back up plan.  That feels so GOOD.  It helped me to get rid of the excuses and now I just suck it up and do it.  Some day I'll have my goal of an 8 month emergency fund, but for now I think I'm doing pretty good.

I have a lot of goals left on my list.  Pay down my debt.  Work towards paying off the car my parents bought for me.  Eventually start a "rainy day" fund for extras like a future down payment on a home, new furniture, travel, etc.  I want to be financially stable; if at some point an emergency comes up I want to be prepared.  Whenever I get married I want to have money saved.  It's still really overwhelming, but I'm just taking it one step at a time.  That's all you can do.

Bucket List

Everyone has a bucket list, don't they?  Here's mine!  I still add to it from time to time.

1. Run a 5k.
2. Get paid to play my flute. (Done!)
3. Get married and have a family.
4. Buy a house.
5. See the Backstreet Boys in concert and relive my early teenage years. (Done!)
6. Jump out of a moving airplane.
7. Travel to Italy.
8. Spend a full week unplugged with no screen time whatsoever.
9. Inspire a student to become a band director.
10. Make a new recipe every day for a month.
11. Wear a bikini.
12. Stay out all night.
13. Go on a spontaneous road trip.
14. Give blood. (Done!)
15. Learn to play tennis.
16. Plant a garden.
17. Give up TV for a year.
18. Travel to Australia.
19. See the northern lights.  (Done!)
20. Walk on the Great Wall of China. (Done!)
21. Do a cart wheel.
22. Not buy anything besides the necessities (food, gas, rent, etc.) for a month.

I Quit My Job

Today marks a year since my last day of school in North Dakota.  Last school year was rough on me.  I was completely and utterly unhappy for a variety of reasons: I had moved 500 miles from home for my then boyfriend.  I was teaching things I wasn't good at teaching.  It wasn't a good fit for me.  I had parents and students who absolutely hated me.  It was my first year teaching ever.  I was close to quitting after Christmas break when I started SOBBING into my mom's shoulder at home because I didn't want to drive back because I was so unhappy.

Truthfully, I had depression and anxiety.  It was never diagnosed, but I know I did.  I had characteristic symptoms.  I couldn't even get up in the morning for school, which is completely unlike me.  I was almost becoming a person I didn't even recognize and that was scary.

I had moved with the intention of giving it two years and then moving back.  I didn't want to live there; I knew it and my now ex boyfriend knew it.  But I loved him, and I moved anyway.  (Lesson learned, always always ALWAYS trust your gut.  Always.)  By about January I knew I couldn't make it another year.  I was already counting down until summer break...in January...as a teacher.  Nope.  It wasn't going to work.  Then my principals came to me saying "we need you to change these 17 things about your teaching..." and my decision was easy.  I didn't renew my contract.  I wanted to be home, so I moved home without another job lined up.  It was a gigantic leap of faith, but it ended up working out as things always seem to.

I am eternally grateful to my dad for renting a truck and coming 500 miles to help me move out.  I literally have no idea what I would have done otherwise.  He was so awesome at helping me pack up my life (again) and move home (again).  Not every parent would let their daughter who was in her mid 20's move home with nothing else lined up.  (Thanks guys!)  When I was unemployed and living with my parents at age 25 I realized that I was infinitely happier than I had been with a full time job and my own place.  That in itself told me I had made the right decision.

Things always work out for a reason.  In July I accepted the job I'm in now.  It pays considerably less money, but I'm considerably happier.  I'm teaching what I want to teach.  I'm happy doing what I'm doing.  And I plan on continuing in the same job next year.

That whole experience got me thinking: if you are in a job you hate and that literally drains your energy, is it worth it?  Is it worth being miserable just to get a paycheck or just to have a job in your field?  It's been about a year since I moved back home from North Dakota.  It's hard to believe time flies so fast.  I learned an important lesson: trust your gut.  It's right 99% of the time.

The Process of Becoming an Athlete

Confession: I'm about as non athletic as they come.  High school gym ruined my 4.0 GPA.  Not joking.  Sports were dumb.  I was the band nerd (and I still am...I teach 4th-8th grade band).  Running was stupid.  Running the mile in gym class was stupider because I always finished last or second to last and it was freaking EMBARRASSING.

Yet, I've always looked up to runners who have that stamina and ability.  I had crushes on runners all through high school.  I wanted to be that person who ran 5k's without an issue, but I was scared of it.  I was scared of running all through high school and college and beyond, up until a few weeks ago.  I signed up for a 5k this summer, and it was time to start training.  However, I was embarrassed to go for a "run" outside because people would see me and in my mind I was still that high school kid who would run a mile in 15 minutes flat (har har).  And that first step was so freaking hard.  I procrastinated, I came up with excuses, but finally I just did it.  I'm using the Couch to 5k program and it's really awesome.  I feel empowered even though I'm only running for a few minutes at a time.

The first time out I kept on thinking everyone was watching me and judging me for only running for a minute before walking again.  No they weren't judging me, but I kept on telling myself they were.  Then some cute size 2 girl would run by with her perfectly shaped body and she wasn't breaking a sweat and I would just get discouraged.  My very much NOT size 2 body had a tough time running for a minute flat.  But at the same time at the ends of my work outs I could tell things were getting easier.

It's not going to be easy for me, and it will take work.  At the same time it has been rewarding so far.  I'm really excited to run this 5k even though I will not be the first one across the finish line.  This is just another thing on my bucket list that has been on there for a long time.  And to me, this work will be worth it.

Thoughts on Break Ups

I went through one hell of a break up in November 2012.  He was the only guy I had ever dated at the time and we dated from age 21 - 24.  I loved him so freaking much and I made a lot of sacrifices for him even though we were not a good match to begin with.

I've been thinking of this a lot lately for whatever reason.  I'm with an amazing man now and I'm genuinely happy with said man, but the big break up of 2012 shaped me in a lot of ways.  Here are the lessons I learned:

1. It changed my outlook on "the one".  There is no "one" person for everyone.  I thought he was my "one", so I put up with a lot of crap for way too long because I thought no one would ever love me again.  Well, guess again.

2. It raised my standards.  Like a lot.

3. It helped me realize I could survive a lot more than I thought I could.

4. It helped teach me that moving for love is actually a pretty horrible decision (for me, not for everyone).

5. It helped me realize that I am responsible for my own happiness.

6. Most importantly, it helped me realize that being single and happy is SO MUCH BETTER than being in a relationship and miserable.

I'm not proud of some of the decisions I made for my ex boyfriend.  I'm not proud of the fact that I couldn't see how ridiculously unhappy I was.  I'm not proud of the fact that because of him I missed out on a lot of opportunities.  I'm not proud of the fact that I thought we were in a healthy relationship when in reality we definitely weren't.  I'm not proud of settling for less than what I deserved.

That day, November 17, 2012, was one of the toughest days I've ever experienced.  I felt like my entire world had crumbled around me.  It wasn't, of course, but I felt such raw emotion that I was pretty sure my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on 5,000 times.  I remember calling my mom the moment he left my house and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  She couldn't understand me because I was crying so hard.  And it hurt like hell.  I don't know if you ever truly "get over" your first love...I'm sure you never forget them.  I got back into dating much sooner than I should have.  I wish I hadn't, but whatever.  Things happen for a reason right?

So how does this fit into my "Live Simply" mantra?  Well, it took me longer than I care to admit to get over him.  I was angry at him for a long time.  A LONG time.  I held onto a lot of emotional baggage from the break up.  I blamed him for a lot of things.  I saw him this past summer because we both work at a summer camp, which is where we met.  And I was a jerk towards him the whole summer.  I feel really bad about that now.  I mean, he's not a total jerk, it is/was just easier hating him than dealing with all the emotion.

Well, when I drive to and from work on Thursdays I pass by a sign for a park.  The park has the same name as his hometown.  I kept on seeing that sign and it kept on reminding me of him on a weekly basis.  It's dumb, I know, but it happened.  Then recently I realized that I hadn't seen the sign for a good couple months.  I had just driven past it without noticing.  And that's when I realized I had let all the emotion go.  It's not that I sit and think about him all day.  I definitely don't.  It was just that one time per week that I kept on thinking about him and I was getting annoyed by that.  Letting go of unnecessary emotions is very freeing.

I learned a lot through dating him and looking back, I'm so grateful that we did break up.  At the time I saw it as back to square one when in reality it was never going to work, not in a million years.  I wish I could go back and tell myself not to settle for anything less than what I deserve, but hindsight is always 20-20.  Things happen for a reason, and looking back I'm grateful the break up happened when it did.

Work = Passion

Part of the issue with my current cluttered home life is the fact that my job -- teaching band -- is also my passion.  Music is one of my main hobbies.  I always do work stuff at home, almost daily because it wouldn't get done otherwise.  Sometimes I get so swamped in my to do list that I forget to take time for me, or to take time to clean up my coffee table, or to go for my run that night.

I'm really happy that my job doesn't truly feel like "work" most days, yet at the same time it's a lifestyle that I can't just leave at the office at 5 pm every day.  My work comes with me pretty much wherever I go.  I also teach at a bazillion different schools which of course doesn't help because my car has become my "office".  I write emails from my couch in my yoga pants, I design concert programs while at coffee shops, I *may* sit at my desk once in a while.  My desk, which has become the catch all for everyyyyything paper.  I need a system.  Music is everywhere.  Music books are scattered on my living room floor constantly.  Receipts don't get filed.  Bills get paid, but the stubs stay out for weeks.  And I know I need a system, but I'm pretty lost when it comes to developing one.

One thing is I know I need to manage my time wisely and I don't exactly do that right now.  A lot of time during my down time I will have anywhere from 3 to 15 tabs open on my Google Chrome browser.  So even my free time my brain is on overdrive.  Oftentimes my work email is open in the background just in case.  It seems I can't just shut things off.

Last night I did something I hadn't in a while -- I shut off my computer at 9.  I didn't read email or Facebook or anything.  I read the magazines that had been piling up.  I did my dishes.  I organized a little.  And when I woke up the next morning to a not-as-cluttered apartment, I felt better about myself.  Some days it's not feasible to finish all work at 9 -- I don't have a prep hour after all -- but I think I need to do that more often.  Just shut off everything and relax in the moment.

What about you?  Does your professional life sometimes take over your home?  How do you deal with it?

Facebook

I have a love/hate relationship with social media.  I love that I can keep up with friends who live far away.  I love that I can maintain contact with people who I may not have stayed in contact with.  Yet, I hate how Facebook has caused people (myself included! Guilty as charged!) to waste their lives away.  It's not "real life".

The other day I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and I noticed at the table next to us a family of four was literally ALL on their phones waiting for their food to arrive.  They weren't talking, they weren't interacting, their faces were glued to the screen.

First of all, HOW IS A 5 INCH SCREEN MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FAMILY?

Second, how sad is it that our society has become this way?  Dare I say it, the information at our fingertips has made us lazy.  Smartphones are making us dumb.

Not to mention at the restaurant there was so much stimulation.  Screens everywhere with the latest baseball game, America's Funniest Home Videos, and CNN.  It's almost as though we need to be constantly entertained and we need to have something to do constantly.  I'm guilty of it.  But does that truly enhance your life?

Lately I've been asking myself "does this benefit my life?" when I find myself perusing Facebook.  Usually, 99% of the time, the answer is no.  When the answer is no I close my browser.  The world is so much more than news updates that we get from our friends.

Even as I was writing this post I found myself going back to Facebook and checking it.  For what purpose?  To see what had happened in the past 5 minutes?  Knowing when to disconnect is important, and I need to reconnect with that.  So that's my goal.  Maybe I'll set a timer next time I'm on.  I hope I'll spend a day or two totally disconnected from technology.  Small steps, one step at a time.

Finishing What You Start

It was my hope that this blog would be updated regularly so I could reflect and focus on my goal.  Well, that fell by the wayside and it got me thinking about how it's so important to finish what you start.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has a bunch of unfinished things sitting around -- unfinished work projects, unfinished crafts, mail that sits on the kitchen counter.  I also sometimes tackle big things such as my ultimate goal to lose 40-50 pounds, and I start training for a 5k or I start eating healthier but then things get hard and I give up.  Or I get busy and I give up because an evening on the couch sounds a lot more appealing.  Or I start reading a book and give up after 50 pages.

I revisited this blog and remembered the motivation I had in November and December to really purge and just clean out.  I remember that I was going to spend 10 minutes every day clearing out clutter or putting things back in their "homes".  That lasted for maybe a week.  I'm back to my old habits.  As I sit here typing this my floor is covered in papers and my coffee table has about 10 magazines that I haven't gotten around to reading.  Habits take a while to develop I guess.

I still want to have success with this resolution and in a lot of ways I already am:

1. My spending is under control!  I don't spend recklessly and I find other ways to have fun instead of buying more stuff that I really don't need.
2. I have an emergency fund.  It is tiny, but growing.  A little bit goes a long way.  I'm really, really excited about this.
3. I have financial goals for myself, long term and short term.
4. I have a budget!  Well, the very beginning of a budget.

So I'm doing REALLY well on the spend less, save more thing and I'm over the moon about it.  The things that still need work -- my health, my eating, and my organizational skills.  And obviously this is a lifestyle.  This isn't going to happen overnight.  This is a process.  And I need to suck it up and finish what I start.